James stared at the package in his hands; he never got mail, he was a slave.
"C'm' 'ere boy! Every secon' that passes will be anotha whip for ye." Mr. Banks, the slave master, lashed his whip on the wall outside as a threat. But James didn't care.
He spun the rough box in his hands, surveying each and every side thoroughly. Thinking again he shook his head and started to tear off the top.
"I'm warnin' ye boy!"
Finally the top gave way and James was able to see what was inside, or rather, what wasn't. All there was to see was a mysterious, swirling mass of a mixture of dark purple, black and dark blue.
"I'm comin' fo' ya boy!" Mr. Banks burst down the door, lashing out at the boy. But only he was too late. All that was left was a blank room and a small box, with a swirling blackness. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" And then there was nothing.
James looked around at the ten spears being pointed at him. Terrified, he crouched down and let his tail hang loo- his tail? He blinked furiously, stared at his hands and feet which had strangely transformed to paws. He patted down his fur, slowly getting a feel for it. To his horror when he looked at his reflection in one of the spears, he realised the truth: he was a ferret.
A big fox, on two feet, leaped out of the bushes and placing his glinting long sword under James' chin. "I be Ringal! Oh I'm sure you know that, you do don't you." Ringal gasped at James' shaking head. "Ye don't know me? Ringal, feared bandit of these here lands? Well let me ask ye a question, who be ye?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
I really liked your piece. There was a few things that I noticed,
I like this bit, though I think that you shoul use a different word other than surveying. It doesn't seem to flow right. Consider using; scanning, examining, inspecting, or scrutinizing. You obviously don't have to, surveying works as well, but I think one of those words might flow better.
Right here, maybe try "All there was to see was a mysterious, swirling mass of a dark purple, black and blue mixture." Seeing as repeating the "dark" just added unnessessary bulk to your piece.
The last thing was the way Ringal talks, he's your character, so you don't have to make the changes, but I noticed that he says "You" in some parts, the says "Ye" in others.
Anyways other than that, nicely done. It was really interesting and I'm really looking forward to more of your pieces. Great job!
-Katsuro. =]
Thanks, that was really useful. I'll try to do more reviews and work on what you said. That's probably the most useful review i've had so far.
Hey Fang!
There is a good idea behind this, certainly, but is this guy human? Even if he didn't care, I am sure he would be a little afraid, or you might want to say that he just ignored the other person.I feel it is my duty to give you a review, so I will, but I have noticed that you have equal reviews to submissions: please correct this by keeping your review:submission ratio as 2:1.
Thanks. Anyway, on to the crit:
This is awkward, how about: "swirling mass of a dark purple, black and dark blue mixture." This gets rid of the unnecessary repetition and bulk.
I am unsure about the entire paragraph really. Firstly, I don't know who is screaming, secondly, I don't think if it was this quick the victim would notice long enough to be able to call for help or realise of a problem. I reckon a short description to explain what is going on may help here.
I like this!
Question mark.
Alright! I enjoyed that to be honest. However, I think you have a trouble with writing fast scenes. Just because something is fast-paced, doesn't mean an extra short paragraph. Try at emphasising the point as best you can, emotions are crucial here, especially where it is hard to link these two areas.
Good luck,
-Mark