I really liked your piece. There was a few things that I noticed,
Fang Ride wrote:He spun the rough box in his hands, surveying each and every side thoroughly.
I like this bit, though I think that you shoul use a different word other than surveying. It doesn't seem to flow right. Consider using; scanning, examining, inspecting, or scrutinizing. You obviously don't have to, surveying works as well, but I think one of those words might flow better.
Fang Ride wrote:All there was to see was a mysterious, swirling mass of a mixture of dark purple, black and dark blue.
Right here, maybe try "All there was to see was a mysterious, swirling mass of a dark purple, black and blue mixture." Seeing as repeating the "dark" just added unnessessary bulk to your piece.
Fang Ride wrote: "I be Ringal! Oh I'm sure you know that, you do don't you." Ringal gasped at James' shaking head. "Ye don't know me? Ringal, feared bandit of these here lands? Well let me ask ye a question, who be ye?"
The last thing was the way Ringal talks, he's your character, so you don't have to make the changes, but I noticed that he says "You" in some parts, the says "Ye" in others.
Anyways other than that, nicely done. It was really interesting and I'm really looking forward to more of your pieces. Great job!
-Katsuro. =]
Points: 890
Reviews: 19
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